Swiss Miss

Mr Swanky — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 12:05:00 -0700

Morgan and I started watching Swiss Family Robinson last night, though we didn’t get too far before his bedtime. My only prior exposure to the concept was the Swiss Family Treehouse at Disney World, which Morgan quite liked and we had to climb twice, despite the fact that the local temperature in the Happiest Place on Earth had in fact surpassed that of the Surface of the Sun. Anyhow, my take-away from the Treehouse was that this particular Swiss Family appeared to have been nearly certifiable in its industriousness. I honestly don’t recall a lot of specifics, as I suspect I was suffering from heatstroke at the time. Let’s see what the Internet has to say…

Ah, yes, now I recall. They basically kitted out the tree with the most elaborate furnishings salvaged from their shipwreck, and crafted gizmos to move water up the tree and other sundry contraptions. It looked like Rube Goldberg was one of the castaways. Come to think of it, the Professor on Gilligan’s Island clearly owes a debt to the Swiss Family.

Let me get sidetracked a moment here. This rant will make no sense if you haven’t watched the video I linked to up there, so watch it if you feel like it. OK, what in name of home video is going on there? Whoever is behind the camera is clearly of the Drunken Master Film School. “Hang on, let me zoom in on the fake grapes, here. Whoa was that a sign with readable text that might provide some context for what the hell this crap is? I better not show that for long. Holy Christ, what was in that drink? I think I’ve been poisoned! Maybe my killer is in this tree house. I’d better stumble like a lunatic all over the joint in a desperate effort to exact my own unique brand of justice.”

And then it just stops! It’s more like the Blair Witch Treehouse. “On a summer afternoon in 2002 in Orlando, Florida, three teenagers went into the woods to film a documentary about binge drinking. 5 years later a tattered backpack was found with this footage, a smelly Hot Topic t-shirt, and a blood stained hat shaped like cartoon mouse ears.”

OK, that’s not entirely fair. They precede the video with an advertisement for buying the DVD, so maybe that’s why they didn’t bother to give this clip a graceful ending. But that just begs the question of who on earth is going to buy this DVD? It’s bad enough watching home movies of a friend or family member, but watching some random spastic’s home movies? Of Disney World? And paying for the privilege of doing so? You’d be better off booking a trip on the Swiss Family Cruise Lines. At least that way you’d get to live in a tricked out tree house until your fellow castaways start looking like giant hot dogs running around and you get a taste for human flesh. I presume that’s how the movie ends.

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Swiss Miss